You may be thinking, "Seriously? I can't do that! I have children." Depending on your situation, you may need to plan slightly. But even then--the element of surprise in your sexual encounters makes a difference! Eric Amaranth is here to talk about why spontaneity in sex matters.
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We generally think that sex almost always starts with an intense turn-on then spontaneous sex! As we've talked about, scheduling sex is a great way to have more of it. So you might think if it’s not spontaneous it’s not hot or worth spending time doing. When you’re single, it’s much easier to pull that off as we know. With children, extra demands on our time, more responsibilities, etc, the inspiration and time for spontaneous sex decreases naturally. Because couples are fixed on this sex form, as I call it, even less sex comes about. Thus, planning comes into it and the excitement of anticipation.
I tell my clients to take both of their options, in many cases, not just one. We know you can’t plan on spontaneity rising forth, no pun intended. You can’t wait for that. Do both. Plan hot sex dates and look forward to spontaneous moments. Many find that as their sexual sophistication grows, they will plan a sex night, put it on the calendar and get started with it. Then, during that sex session, spontaneous, hot, new things often happen. As well, the couple returns to previous hot things done before that rise out of nowhere. That’s another important way to enjoy spontaneity in sex.
Here’s one way to create the turn-on of anticipation: your spouse sends you a hot email or text on what they can’t wait to do to your body tonight, for example. That’s attention! Fun, smoldering hot attention. Now you can’t wait for it either. Another point related to this is as you and your partner get better at giving each other sexual pleasure and big orgasms, your interest to have more sex, spontaneous or not, always increases.
It’s simple. If the cuisine is amazing, physical and/or mental issues aside, you want more. You don’t always have to be in the mood, the moment doesn’t have to be perfect, none of that. I’ve started having sex countless times when I’m not “horny,” but because of my skill set and often that of my partner’s I know it’s not going to be long at all before she and I are in a very different mood. I understand the erotic of spontaneous sex as people know it. It’s great stuff! However, there are other paths to great sex. Never bottle yourself in too much, especially with regards to this issue. I never would have gained the understanding of sexual pleasure making and had the amount of sex that I’ve had and have if I left it all up to spontaneity.
Real life things do get embroiled. But as I’ve witnessed in my own life and the lives of my sex life coaching clients, everyone deal with those things together much better when they have a strong sexual connection. Their sex life together becomes an oasis and an encouragement for standing by each other. That’s that being in love thing. The trick is to stay in love beyond limerence. Reader, if you haven’t heard of limerence, look it up. It’s something everyone needs to know about.
Lastly, I know psychology studies have placed the time frame for the end of the honeymoon phase at within a year. Science has proven the seven year itch is now the three year itch. Science is an awesome tool. However, it has disadvantages. It is the proverbial microscope. It observes what’s happening in our present. It is not as good at giving an accurate picture of the “what if's."
I wonder, what if many more relationships had the high quality sex life? What if our culture experienced sex in a higher/ better form than we currently know it? Would those stats be different? I’m running the experiment, if you will, every time I work with a client. My results thus far are a resounding, yes.
Originally posted at Sex Life Coach NYC.
Eric Amaranth is a sex life coach, working in NYC and globally via video conference, who specializes in women’s and men’s sexuality, basic to advanced sex skills, and high-end sex education. Individuals and couples are guided toward the relationship, intimacy, and sexual enjoyment goals they desire most. Amaranth believes that for the majority of people, appreciation of ourselves and our romantic partners is one of the best sustainable resources we have to continuously renew attraction, maintain respect, and stay in love with our partners. This bedrock of deep appreciation is founded and reinforced by the combination of loving relationship skills with breathtaking sexual skills. Follow him on Twitter @eric_amaranth.
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